Building Intimacy: Laying the Foundation for Great Orgasms

It’s estimated most men can orgasm within 5 minutes, whilst for the average woman it can take up to 20 minutes. This time differential is often referred to as the ‘orgasm gap’ and is thought to be the root of sexual dissatisfaction for many couples. However, there are ways, in and out of the bedroom, to bridge this gap and ensure that both partners achieve great orgasms. Here are 5 top tips to help you lay the foundation for a longer lasting orgasm in the bedroom:


Recognise physiological gender differences

Men are quickly aroused and generally can achieve orgasms fairly quickly; while women usually take longer to get aroused. However, once aroused, women will remain at a high level of arousal before they climax. To reflect these physical differences, keeping sex at a much slower pace with plenty of foreplay beforehand can enable both partners to get into sync with one another; making it more likely that they will climax together. Opt for more intimate and sensual positions that give plenty of opportunity for kissing and caressing, which can increase your arousal and desire for one another.

Recognise emotional gender differences

For women, orgasms are as much a mental process as a physical one as 90% of women report orgasms from some other form of sexual stimulation. Men, on the other hand, find it easier to separate sex from love and therefore don’t tend to need an emotional attachment for arousal. To address this imbalance, it is important for men to focus on pleasuring their partners first with emotional foreplay before the physical foreplay begins. Activities such as talking, laughing, and bestowing compliments should make her feel relaxed ensuring that you are interested in pleasuring her rather than the act of sex itself. This should fulfill her emotional needs of feeling wanted and cared for, which will then drive her sexual arousal.

(Pillow) Talk

Communication before, during, and after sex is central to building intimacy between couples. Expressions of love, desire, and compliments during sex are ways of intensifying the experience. Whether you are sharing what you like and dislike or discussing a particular desire you might have; sharing your thoughts and desires, will help encourage a better orgasm. Another great opportunity to build on communication is post-coital snuggling. Snuggling with your partner not only increases physical intimacy but can help you and your partner expand on what works so you can build on it the next time. For desires that may come across as taboo, conversations away from the bedroom can help you and your partner to become more open which can decrease the feeling of shame and awkwardness to help deepen the intimacy between you both in the long run.


In long-term relationships, it’s easy to let the initial passion simmer. However, building a solid friendship with your other half can combat this. Whether you are taking time out for date nights, sharing inside jokes, or supporting one another’s goals and aspirations; All these can help lay the foundation for a strong, emotional connection that will help both of you benefit from a deeper sexual experience.

A break from the norm

It’s easy for couples to feel stuck in a ‘sexual rut’ when they have been together for a long time. Very often, sex becomes formulaic, with the same predictable routine – and for some, it may even feel dutiful rather than romantic. However, mixing things up in the bedroom can reap real rewards. The chemical oxytocin, which governs arousal, is usually found in the novelty stages of a new relationship or sexual experience. So why not plan a romantic mini-break? Introduce a new position or have sex in a different place?  Anything spontaneous that shakes it up and changes the routine is bound to have great results.