Start Smart
Sex and Communication: Building Stronger Intimacy Through Healthy Dialogue
When was the last time you talked to your partner about sex? Some couples practice sexual communication as a regular part of their daily lives, whereas others may find the topic painfully awkward to discuss.
If you’re not already talking about sex, it’s time to start. Sexual communication benefits all aspects of your relationship, from your sex life to your emotional bond. Read on to learn all about this practice, why it’s important, and how to start doing it.
The Importance of Communication in Sex
Communicating during sex can make all the difference in feeling connected and satisfied. Whether it’s sharing what you enjoy, setting boundaries, or just checking in with your partner, good communication builds trust and makes intimacy more fulfilling. The more comfortable you are talking about it, the better sex can be for both of you.
What Is Sexual Communication?
Sexual communication is the practice of openly talking with your partner about sex. This may include:
- Defining the relationship: A “DTR” is an important part of any sexual relationship. This doesn’t just include putting a label on your relationship but talking about the type of relationship that you’d like to have with one another. For instance, will you be monogamous or would you like to explore a non-monogamous relationship? These conversations form the basis of a healthy relationship.
- Sexual safety: What’s your STD status? What type of protection will you use? These discussions are all a part of sexual communication.
- Sexual preferences: Talk about what you like and dislike during sex, how you like to be touched, what feels good to you, and what doesn’t. You can have this conversation before having sex, and then continue it during sex for a more satisfying sex life.
- Sexual fantasies: What turns you on? What do you fantasize about? Talk about these with your partner.
- Boundaries: As important as defining the yes’s is defining the no’s. Talk openly about things you aren’t comfortable with and aren’t interested in exploring.
Sexual communication doesn’t have to be only serious conversations. It can be a fun and flirty addition to your sex life. It can also happen through a variety of means. It may include talking in person, over the phone, texting about sex, and more.
The Link Between Healthy Communication and Sexual Satisfaction
You may be wondering, why does this all matter? It turns out that there’s a direct link between healthy sexual communication and the levels of sexual satisfaction, emotional connection, and trust in a relationship. Partners who practice sexual communication feel that they know each other better, are more comfortable being vulnerable with one another, and have much, much better sex.
Science backs these claims up. There’s a suspected link between sexual communication and sexual arousal for both sexes. Women find that better sexual communication contributes to more sexual arousal, and men find that they may have an easier time getting an erection when they communicate about sex.1
Common Barriers to Communicating During Sex
It’s clear that regular sexual communication leads to a better sex life. So why aren’t more people having it?
If you’ve never had open and honest communication about sex, it can feel intimidating to start. Conversations about sex can be quite vulnerable, and some simply aren’t comfortable with those levels of vulnerability.
Some may be bogged down by social taboos surrounding sex or carry shame about their sexual desires and fantasies. Others may feel uneducated about sex and fear that talking about sex may expose their lack of knowledge.
While feelings of anxiety and fear are always valid, they shouldn't stop you from having your best sex life yet. It’s time to get comfortable talking about sex.
How to Improve Sexual Communication in Relationships
Ready to improve your sexual communication? Keep reading for our top tips on making those conversations easier and more effective.
Tips for Starting Conversations About Sex
Follow these tips to begin an open and honest conversation about sex:
- Start small: There’s no need to jump straight into a conversation about your most taboo sexual fantasies. Instead, start with a light-hearted conversation about sex. Compliment something your partner did the last time you had sex or suggest something small for the next time.
- Tell how you feel: A great way to help your partner get comfortable with being vulnerable is by showing vulnerability first. Start by letting your partner know about how you feel about sex to help them ease into it.
- Put your judgment aside: A conversation about sex should always be a judgment-free zone. Listen to your partner and validate them, rather than criticizing them.
- Have fun with it: Talking about sex doesn’t have to be an intense and serious conversation. While there should be time for more serious moments, make talking about sex fun, too. Send a flirty text about your fantasies or make a lighthearted joke to lighten the mood.
- Be patient: You won’t become experts at sexual communication the first time you try it. Give yourselves plenty of grace and time to grow together.
Using Nonverbal Cues to Enhance Communication in Sex
Communication about sex doesn’t always have to be verbal. During sex, it may be useful to have non-verbal communication, too. Not only is non-verbal communication handy when you’re in a moment of passion, but it’s great practice for understanding one another’s body language.
You may want to try non-verbal cues like:
- Moaning or sighing to show pleasure
- Nodding or smiling when something feels good
- Putting your partner’s hand where you want it
- Pointing or tapping on a spot you’d like them to focus on
Addressing Differences in Sexual Needs and Desires
As you start to have regular sexual communication, you may uncover differences in your and your partner’s needs, desires, or likes. These differences shouldn't be cause for concern; they’re simply what makes us each unique.
While differences in sexual needs or desires may present a challenge, they’re not impossible to overcome. Your goal as a couple should be to find solutions that work for both of you. Are you willing to try things your partner is interested in, even if they’re not necessarily interesting to you? What other compromises can you make to find a happy middle ground? Consider these questions to overcome differences in your sexual needs and desires.
Practical Tips for Communicating During Sex
Looking for more ways to make communication surrounding sex easier? Follow these practical tips for communicating during sex.
Creating a Safe and Comfortable Environment for Open Communication
Setting the mood isn’t just for sex—it’s for conversations about sex, too. It may be helpful to set a time to talk about sex so you’re not caught off guard. Have the conversation in a private, comfortable space. Set the stage by welcoming any thoughts, feelings, or concerns that your partner has. These preparatory steps will help your conversation flow more smoothly.
The Power of Active Listening During Intimacy
Do you practice active listening skills? Active listening isn’t just a matter of hearing what your partner has to say, but processing their words and trying to understand their meaning. Show your partner that you’re understanding and encourage them through nodding and other non-verbal clues that express understanding.
Once you start to practice active listening, you’ll likely find that not only does your partner feel more heard and understood, but you’ll gain a deeper understanding of them, too. It will help you grow your empathy for your partner and know them on a deeper and more intimate level.
Setting Boundaries and Expressing Consent
If you have no other conversations about sex, the minimum requirement when it comes to sex and communication is to discuss boundaries and consent. To engage in safe sex, you and your partner must know each other’s boundaries and limits. Continue expressing boundaries as new ones arise and modify them as needed.
Consent is another must when it comes to sex. Consent must be given every time you have a sexual encounter. Get in the habit of asking for your partner’s consent and giving your own—or not giving consent whenever you aren’t comfortable.
How Healthy Sexual Communication Impacts Relationships
As you start to practice sexual communication, whether you’re working on sexual communication in marriage or sexual communication in relationships, you’ll likely discover a host of perks.
For one, your sex life will dramatically improve. Your partner will be able to satisfy you just the way you like, and you them. You can also start exploring new sides of sex together and discover unexpected things that blow your mind.
But changes in your relationship won’t just be limited to better sex. You’ll likely find that better sexual communication results in a stronger, closer relationship. As you start to know each other on a deeper level and practice more vulnerability with one another, you’ll find that your intimacy becomes that much deeper. Altogether, healthy sexual communication is a win-win.
