What is Monogamy? Exploring Monogamous Relationships and Their Importance

In today’s world, the term “nuclear family” draws a very clear picture: two parents and a child. This type of relationship is what’s known as a monogamous relationship, and it comes to your mind for a good reason. Monogamous relationships are considered the norm in today’s society. But have you ever stopped to consider what monogamy means? 

If you’re interested in exploring this relationship type and learning about its alternatives, you’ve come to the right place. Read on to learn all about monogamous relationships, what they are, how they work, and what other types of relationships are out there. 

• What is a Monogamous Relationship?
  • Defining Monogamous Relationships
  • Key Traits of a Monogamous Relationship
  • Why People Choose Monogamy
• What is Non-Monogamy?
  • Understanding Non-Monogamous Relationships
  • Consensual Non-Monogamy: What Does It Mean?
  • Differences Between Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
• Types of Monogamy and Polygamy
  • What Are the Three Types of Monogamy?
  • Monogamy vs. Polygamy: Key Differences
  • Cultural Perspectives on Monogamy and Polygamy
• Challenges of Monogamy in Modern Relationships

What is a Monogamous Relationship?

Most modern countries are built around the concept of a monogamous relationship. But what is a monogamy relationship, and how does it work? Let’s dive in. 

Defining Monogamous Relationships

What is monogamy? Monogamous relationships are relationships in which people are with one partner at a time. People in monogamous relationships commit to only sharing emotional intimacy and having sexual exclusivity with one another. Monogamous relationships can be heterosexual or queer, and they can include people of all gender identities. Two partners in a monogamous relationship may be dating, married, or life partners. The important thing is that they agree not to pursue sexual or emotionally intimate relationships with anyone else. 

Key Traits of a Monogamous Relationship

The central trait of a monogamous relationship is, of course, exclusivity. Partners in monogamous relationships make an agreement to reserve sex and intimacy for one another and not seek them out with anyone else. Other traits of a monogamous relationship may include: 

• Agreed-upon boundaries: “Exclusivity” may feel like a cut-and-dry condition, but it can mean different things to different people. Couples in a monogamous relationship agree on what exactly monogamy means for their relationship. They may define the type of physical connection and emotional intimacy they’re comfortable sharing with friends and other boundaries for their relationship. 
• Ongoing support: Two people in a monogamous relationship may agree to be one another’s support system for the duration of their relationship. While they may seek support from other family and friends, their primary source of support is one another.
• Communication: Communication is key to any successful relationship, monogamous or otherwise. Partners in a monogamous relationship agree to communicate openly and honestly about concerns, fears, desires, and more. 
• Consent: People in healthy monogamous relationships understand that consent is necessary at all times, during sexual activity and otherwise. Just because consent has been given once, it needs to be confirmed over and over. 

Why People Choose Monogamy

While monogamy may be the norm in our world, it wasn’t always that way. Scientists believe that our ancestors tended towards polygamist lifestyles. So, why are people today largely monogamous? 

Historically, scientists have a few theories about why humans ultimately came to tend toward monogamy: 

• To avoid contracting STDs: As community populations became bigger, STDs became more of a threat to humans. It’s possible that humans become monogamous to avoid contracting STDs. 
• To help their young survive: As early humans developed into modern-day humans, their infants needed more attention to survive. Monogamy enabled fathers to protect their offspring as they grew and developed. 
• To preserve wealth: Monogamy enables people to clearly pass on inheritance in a direct line. It’s possible that people chose this lifestyle to keep wealth in their families. 

Surprisingly, some of this reasoning holds true in today’s world. Monogamy can protect against STDs and can certainly preserve wealth. But these aren’t the only reasons so many practice monogamy today. Other explanations may include: 

• Emotional intimacy and security: Humans are complex creatures with lots of emotions. Some tend towards monogamy because of the sense of security they derive from sharing a deep emotional connection and intimacy with another. 
• Jealousy: It can be easy to understand how non-monogamous relationships can bring up feelings of jealousy or insecurity. Monogamy may not pose as big of a threat. 
• Social norms: At the end of the day, monogamy is simply what’s expected in our world. Some may choose monogamy because it helps them fit in with their peers.
• Societal structure: Our world is also built for monogamy. Marriage is only legally allowed between two people, one partner’s benefits only extend to one other, and more. It may simply be easier to exist in the world in a monogamous relationship. 

What is Non-Monogamy?

While monogamy may be the norm, it’s not the only relationship structure. So, what is a non-monogamy relationship? Anything that falls outside of monogamy falls under the blanket term of “non-monogamy.” Let’s break down this catch-all. 

Understanding Non-Monogamous Relationships

Non-monogamous relationships are relationships in which partners agree not to be sexually and/or emotionally exclusive with one another. Non-monogamous relationships can come in all shapes and sizes. Both partners in a non-monogamous relationship may pursue other partnerships or just one partner may pursue an external partnership. They may pursue sexual relationships but not emotional relationships, emotional relationships but not sexual relationships, or both. It’s up to people in a non-monogamous relationship to decide what works for them. 

Consensual Non-Monogamy: What Does It Mean?

Many people refer to non-monogamy as “consensual non-monogamy” or “ethical non-monogamy”. While the distinction may seem unnecessary, it’s there for a very important reason. 

So, what is consensual non-monogamy? A common misconception about non-monogamy is that people in non-monogamous relationships are simply cheating on each other—but this belief is far from the truth. The central feature of consensual non-monogamy is its consent. In a consensually non-monogamous relationship, both partners are enthusiastically consenting to participate. They work together to set the boundaries of their relationship and agree to follow them. Consensual non-monogamy requires a lot of trust, honesty, and communication. 

Differences Between Non-Monogamy and Polyamory

You may sometimes hear non-monogamy be referred to as polyamory. While the two are related, they’re not interchangeable. Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship structure that falls under the umbrella of non-monogamy. Polyamory translates to “many loves.” In these relationships, partners pursue relationships with many different people. They may have one primary relationship and many secondary relationships, or they may have a number of relationships without any sort of hierarchy or structure. 

The other main relationship type underneath the non-monogamy umbrella is an open relationship. In open relationships, partners can pursue sexual relationships beyond their primary partner, but they agree not to pursue emotional relationships or connections. 

Types of Monogamy and Polygamy

Yet another relationship structure is polygamy. Polygamy, also known as plural marriage, is a relationship in which someone is married to multiple spouses. It’s important to note that most cultures don’t recognize plural marriages, so while the first spouse is often legal, additional spouses aren’t legally recognized. 

What Are the Three Types of Monogamy?

When it comes to monogamous relationships in biology, monogamy is generally classified into three different categories. These are the common types of monogamy that exist:

• Social monogamy: This relationship refers to partners who share a long-term social bond, such as cohabitating, sharing food, and raising offspring together, regardless of sexual exclusivity.
• Sexual monogamy: This relationship describes partners who remain exclusively sexually involved with each other without engaging in intercourse with any other partner.
• Genetic monogamy: This relationship occurs when two partners exclusively reproduce with one another, ensuring their offspring are related to each other and the parents.

Monogamy vs. Polygamy: Key Differences

What is monogamy and polygamy, and how are they different? In the most basic sense, the key difference between monogamy and polygamy is the number of partners a person has. Monogamous people only have a single partner, whereas polygamous people have multiple partners and, most often, multiple spouses. 

Beyond the number of partners, most monogamous and polygamist relationships are actually built on the same values. Partners agree to establish boundaries for their relationships, provide ongoing support to their partner(s), focus on communication, and always ask for consent. 

Cultural Perspectives on Monogamy and Polygamy

In comparing monogamy and polygamy in our culture, there’s a clear black sheep. Polygamy is perhaps the most frowned upon non-monogamous relationship structure. Polygamy is illegal in the US. It is typically associated with religious extremism and frowned upon as an abusive or manipulative relationship structure. 

Outside the US, however, polygamy is practiced in some countries. Polygamy is fairly popular throughout the African continent. In Mali, an estimated 34% of households practice polygamy, and in Nigeria an estimated 28%.¹ While it may not be the norm here, it is practiced elsewhere.

Challenges of Monogamy in Modern Relationships

While monogamy may be the norm in our society, it’s not without its hardships. Despite agreeing on monogamy with their partner, many find this commitment difficult to uphold. People in monogamous relationships face challenges, including: 

• Infidelity: Though they agree to be exclusive, many in monogamous relationships pursue sexual or emotional relationships beyond their monogamous relationships. This is known as cheating or infidelity and can cause significant turmoil in a monogamous relationship. In fact, one study showed that more than 1 in 5 people have reported cheating on a partner.²
• Unmet needs: Some find monogamy to be unrealistic based on the fact that it requires each partner to fulfill all of another person’s sexual and emotional needs. 
• Tendency toward possessiveness: Some find that monogamous relationships often result in an unhealthy focus on “possession” of the other partner. This can create controlling and often toxic relationship dynamics. 
• Different goals and values: Often, the demise of a monogamous relationship simply lies in a difference in the partners’ goals and values. Two partners who see distinctly different lives for themselves may not be able to continue on a path forward with one another.

References

1. Kramer, S. Polygamy is rare around the world and mostly confined to a few regions. Pew Research Center. 2020. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/12/07/polygamy-is-rare-around-the-world-and-mostly-confined-to-a-few-regions/ 
2. Statista Research Department. Share of respondents who reported to have cheated on any partner in the United States from 1960 to 2021. 2024. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1367073/us-reported-to-infidelity/