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What is Polyamory? Understanding Polyamorous Relationships
While monogamous relationships tend to be the norm in our society, they’re not the only relationship type out there. Approximately 4-5% of people are practicing a relationship style known as polyamory—and experts believe that number is growing.1 But what is polyamory, and how does this relationship style work?
Read on to learn all about polyamory: what it is, how it works, and why people like it.
What is a Polyamorous Relationship? What Are the Types of Polyamorous Relationships? How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work? The Role of Communication and Consent in Polyamorous Relationships Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
What is a Polyamorous Relationship?
So, what does polyamorous mean, and what is a polyamorist? The term polyamory translates to “many loves”—and for good reason. Polyamorous relationships are relationships in which people have multiple partnerships, and a polyamorist is a person practicing polyamory. What exactly these partnerships look like is up to the people in them.
Polyamorous partners may have exclusively sexual relationships, exclusively emotional relationships, or a combination of both. They may see each other daily, weekly, monthly, or even yearly. The important factor is that they have ongoing relationships with multiple people.
Key Characteristics of Polyamorous Relationships
Of course, the defining characteristic of polyamorous relationships is that they’re not a person’s only relationship. Polyamorous people are in relationships with multiple people at the same time. But that’s not the only characteristic that polyamorous people share. Polyamorous relationships may also include:
- Boundaries: Just because multiple people are involved in a relationship doesn’t mean it lacks boundaries. Polyamorous couples set many boundaries regarding the types of relationships they’re comfortable with, the time they spend with one another, and more.
- Communication: Understandably, communication is key to polyamorous relationships. In order to balance needs and desires and address emotions like jealousy between multiple partners, there needs to be open and honest communication between partners.
- Trust and security: Successful polyamorous relationships come from a foundation of trust and security. Partners foster a sense of security that their relationship with their partner isn’t threatened by a partner’s other relationships. In order to do so, there needs to be deep levels of trust.
- Consent: As with all relationships, polyamorous relationships feature consent as a core characteristic. In fact, polyamory falls under the umbrella of ethical or consensual non-monogamy. What is ethical non-monogamy? Ethical non-monogamy refers to a relationship style in which partners consent to having relationships with others.
How Polyamory Differs From Open Relationships and Swinging
Polyamory is often used interchangeably with other relationship types like open relationships and swinging. While all three fall under the umbrella of consensually non-monogamous relationships, they are not the same. Let’s review the basics of each:
- Polyamory: As discussed, polyamory is a relationship style in which people have multiple long-term sexual and/or emotional relationships with multiple partners.
- Open relationships: In open relationships, partners agree to have sexual relationships with other people. These relationships are typically very limited, such as one-night stands. Partners also typically agree not to have emotional relationships outside of their relationship and keep things purely physical.
- Swinging: Swinging is a very specific type of open relationship that typically involves couples having sexual relationships with other couples. Swinging most often occurs at organized events, like swingers clubs or private parties. Swinging couples may have group sex with other couples or may swap partners for one-on-one sex.
Common Misconceptions About Polyamory
Though its popularity is increasing, polyamory tends to be a pretty fringe lifestyle in most communities. As such, there are a lot of misconceptions out there. Let’s debunk some of the most popular:
- Polyamory is just cheating: Polyamorous relationships have rules and boundaries just like any other relationship. As long as partners are following the guidelines they’ve set for their relationship, having other relationships isn’t considered cheating.
- Polyamory is a kink or sexual activity: Polyamory is simply a relationship style, just like monogamy. While some people in the poly community may practice kink, it’s by no means a requirement of polyamory.
- Polyamory will fix my relationship: Polyamory is not a bandaid for a broken relationship or a way to avoid a breakup. It’s a relationship style that both partners need to be enthusiastically consenting of.
- Polyamorous people never get jealous: Polyamorous people experience jealousy just like everyone else. However, many find that a base of trust and opencommunication in polyamorous relationships helps address jealousies when they arise.
What Are the Types of Polyamorous Relationships?
What is a poly relationship? Poly relationships are not a one-size-fits-all relationship style. Each polyamorous couple has a different way of structuring their various relationships to suit their own needs. Generally speaking, these relationship styles fall into three “types” of polyamory: hierarchical polyamory, kitchen table polyamory, and solo polyamory.
Hierarchical Polyamory: Primary and Secondary Partners
What are poly relationships that are hierarchical? Hierarchical polyamory is a type of polyamory in which a person has one primary partner and multiple secondary partners. As the name suggests, the primary partner is the main relationship in their life. A primary couple in a hierarchical poly relationship may live together, share finances, or even be married.
People in hierarchical poly relationships have secondary partners in addition to their primary partners. Secondary partners may receive less time, attention, or sway in decision-making. However, most in hierarchical poly relationships don’t consider their relationships with secondary partners to be “less important” than their primary relationship.
Kitchen Table Polyamory: Building a Connected Community
Kitchen table polyamory is another type of polyamorous relationship in which partners within a network of polyamorous relationships (often referred to as a polycule) share relationships with one another. A person’s partner’s other partners are often considered to be “metamours.” While they typically don’t have sexual relationships, they may socialize, turn to each other for support, and even function as a family.
Solo Polyamory: Independence Within Multiple Relationships
Solo poly is a relationship style in which a person prioritizes their own independence and freedom above any partnership(s). People in solo poly relationships may have a number of different partners, but none of these partners are considered “primary” or totally enmeshed in their lives.
Rather than following the standard relationship trajectory of becoming closer and more intertwined over time, solo poly people maintain the same level of relationship as time goes on.
How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work?
Wondering how this all works? Read on to learn more about the various elements of polyamorous relationships.
The Role of Communication and Consent in Polyamorous Relationships
Of course, communication is central to polyamorous relationships. Not only do they require a great deal of trust and understanding to manage, but they also involve a lot of different people’s needs. People in polyamorous relationships need to be able to openly discuss their own relationships and their other relationships to function successfully.
Navigating Boundaries and Agreements in Polyamory
Boundaries and agreements are also at the core of all polyamorous relationships. Poly couples need to come to an agreement about the type of poly relationship they’ll have, the ways they’ll communicate about other relationships, what is and is not okay in other relationships, and more.
Once boundaries are set, each person must stick to them. Any behavior outside of the boundaries and agreements in a poly relationship may be considered akin to cheating.
How Attachment Styles Influence Polyamorous Dynamics
There are some attachment styles that may result in more success in a polyamorous relationship than others. Let’s review:
- Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style are generally considered to have the healthiest attachment styles. They feel secure in their relationships, are comfortable expressing their needs and independence, and typically have the easiest time navigating polyamorous dynamics.
- Anxious attachment: People with insecure attachment lack a sense of security and confidence in their relationships. They may experience significant levels of anxiety and fear surrounding their connections with other people. In polyamorous relationships, these anxieties and fears may cause a significant level of discomfort and difficulty.
- Avoidant attachment: People with avoidant attachment tend to resist intimacy and closeness in their relationships. They may fear becoming close with or dependent upon other people and attempt to rely solely on themselves for support. In a polyamorous relationship, they may struggle to get close to their partners and be honest and vulnerable about their needs and desires.
Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
You may have heard people refer to polyamory as ethical non-monogamy or consensual non-monogamy, but these terms aren’t interchangeable. Ethical non-monogamy refers to any relationship that consensually falls beyond monogamy. Polyamory is a type of ethically non-monogamous relationship, but it isn’t the only type. Open relationships, swinging, and even polygamy all fall under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy.
References
Rubin, J., et al. On the Margins: Considering Diversity Among Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships. Chapman University Digital Comms. 2014. https://digitalcommons.chapman.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1133&context=psychology_articles
