What Is a Threesome? A Complete Guide to Understanding Threeways

For many, a threesome is up there with some of the most tantalizing sexual fantasies, and it’s easy to see why. While sex between two people can be an absolutely transcendent experience, it’s easy to imagine that adding a third could take things to a whole new level. 

Imagine your partner going down on you, using their hands and their mouth to pleasure your penis or your vagina. Picture the sensation and how it feels. Now imagine that as your partner is working their magic, another person’s hands are roving around your body, touching your butt, your boobs, kissing your mouth. Suddenly the pleasure has doubled, with new and strange feelings completely overwhelming you. 

This is what a threesome can feel like. And if done right, threesomes can be pretty amazing. Done wrong? They can be an awkward mess for everyone involved. If you’re interested in exploring the wonderful world of threesomes, you’ve come to the right place. Read on for answers to questions like “What is a threesome?” and “Do women like threesomes?” as well as tips for anyone considering threesome sex. Or, use the links below to jump to a section of your choosing.  

• The Dynamics of Threesome Sex
• How Common Are Threesomes?
• Do Women Like Threesomes?
• Tips for Those Considering a Threesome
• Common Misconceptions About Threesomes
• Key Takeaways

The Dynamics of Threesome Sex

If you take pornography at face value, threesome sex is like a carefully choreographed dance, no matter how spontaneous the occurrence. Every participant knows exactly how to act and what to do, right from the start. There’s no awkwardness, adjustment, or need to ask questions. 

In reality, threesomes simply don’t work that way. They rarely occur spontaneously and require thorough discussion. The first step to engaging in threesome sex is communication. Together, you and your partner(s) should discuss what you’d like your threesome to look like, whether an additional party should be invited, what role each person should play, and more. 

How It Works: Different Scenarios

A threesome is simply defined as three people engaged in a sexual experience together. That makes it a blank slate for any sort of sex you’d like to have with two other people. Threesomes come in all forms, with differing levels of engagement from all participants. It’s up to you and your partners to decide how you’d like to engage. 

Threesomes can occur between people of any gender and sexuality. Threesomes may include a woman and two men, a man and two women, non-binary people, trans people, three people of the same gender, three people of differing genders, and so on. Threesomes can also occur between three straight people, three queer people, or any combination of the two. 

Additionally, threesomes can happen between people of varying relationship types. In some cases, a couple may invite a third party into their bedroom to spice things up a bit. In other cases, a threesome may happen between three people of whom none are dating each other. A threesome may even happen within a throuple (three people who are all dating). 

Emotional and Physical Considerations

While it might sound thrilling to engage in a spontaneous threesome with no prior planning, chances are that such a scenario may lead to discomfort, hurt feelings, and other undesirable outcomes. Though it may not sound as sexy, proper planning can actually lead to a more sensual experience. 

We’re not just talking about planning what sexual positions you’ll try or discussing how to spice up kissing. When planning your threesome, it’s important to make some decisions about how all three participants will engage with one another. Not only should this get everyone on the same page beforehand, but it can also bring up important discussions surrounding emotions. Threesome sex can bring up many emotions surrounding jealousy, attachment, and more. The more that these feelings can be anticipated and discussed ahead of time, the better your threesome can feel. 

Consent is also of the utmost importance when engaging in a threesome. Just because a person has agreed to have a threesome doesn’t mean they’ve given blanket consent for any and all sexual contact. It’s important to discuss consent ahead of time in regards to what type of sexual contact each person is and isn’t comfortable with. You should also discuss what types of sexual barriers you’d like to use, like condoms, spermicides, dental dams, and more. It’s also important to confirm consent throughout the threesome and be open to the reality that consent may change. 

The following are just a few examples of scenarios you might discuss before threesome sex: 

• All participants will have sex with each other. This is commonly referred to as a “triad.” 
• Two participants’ attention will be focused on the third participant, with little sexual activity happening between the two. 
• Two participants will engage in sex with each other while a third participant observes but doesn’t have physical contact with either. 

How Common Are Threesomes?

So, exactly how common are threesomes? According to a 2017 study, approximately 1 in every 10 women and 1 in every 5 men has engaged in a threesome.2 A more modern 2023 study reported that those numbers have risen to an average of 1 in every 5 Americans since.³

Threesomes in Modern Society

Why might threesome sex be increasingly popular in modern society? The answer may lie within our attitudes toward sex as a whole. As time progresses, the taboos we once had about sex fade more and more. Increasing openness and awareness of sexuality and relationship types, as well as a greater public interest in sexual experimentation, have all contributed to the increase in the prevalence of threesomes. 

The following are just a few relationship types that may be more likely to lead to a threesome:⁴

• Open Relationship: In an open relationship, a couple (whether married or not) consensually dates and/or has sex with others outside of their relationship. In some cases, those with an open relationship may “swing.” This may include having threesome sex with other people as a couple.
• Polyamory: A polyamorous relationship type is one in which a person has multiple romantic relationships. A polyamorous person may decide to have a threesome with two of their partners.

Do Women Like Threesomes?

First and foremost, it’s important to remember that every person’s likes and dislikes are different, regardless of gender. Just because one woman likes threesomes doesn’t mean another will. The only way to truly know if a woman likes threesomes is to ask her. It’s imperative to always ask for consent from anyone participating in a threesome prior to the act. 

Generally speaking, there are many stigmas about women and threesomes. Some social mores suggest that only men like threesomes, or that women who like threesomes are sexually promiscuous.

Research says that may not be the case. One study noted that men and women fantasize about threesome sex at nearly the same rate, with 87% of women reporting that they’ve fantasized about sex with multiple partners and 87.95% of men saying the same.⁴ 

Tips for Those Considering a Threesome

Interested in embarking on your first threesome? These are our best tips for the optimal experience.

Setting Boundaries and Expectations

Prior to setting up your threesome, it’s important to establish who you’d like to have your threesome with. Your third may be a mutual crush shared by you and your partner, someone you met on a dating app, or even a friend. No matter who it is, it’s a good idea to get everyone together for a discussion beforehand. Treat it like a first date and brush up on first-date must knows. Then, it’s time to get into the planning. 

Before your threesome, discuss the following with all participants:

• What concerns do you have about having a threesome?
• What would you like your involvement to be in this experience?
• Which sexual acts are you comfortable with? 
• Which sexual acts are you uncomfortable with? 
• Which sexual barriers would you like to be used?
• Is there anywhere you don’t want to be touched? 
• Do we need a safe word? This is especially important if you plan on participating in any role-playing or BDSM activities. 
• What will happen if someone gets uncomfortable? 
• What interactions will we have with each other in the days, weeks, or months following the threesome? 

Ensuring Safety and Comfort

Remember: not everything goes according to plan. Just because participants have discussed comfort with certain activities doesn’t mean those feelings won’t change. Some may find themselves uncomfortable with something they thought would feel great, or they may want to try something they hadn’t initially anticipated.

It’s important to check in regularly throughout the course of your experience. Confirm consent and ensure that everyone is feeling comfortable. If someone isn’t, stop and reassess. Perhaps there’s a change that would improve their comfort level or a certain activity needs to be avoided. 

It’s also possible that one or more participants may find themselves uncomfortable with the experience as a whole. If that’s the case, everyone should stop and have a discussion about what to do. Would it be okay if the remaining people continued to have sex, or would it be best to stop altogether? Flexibility is key when it comes to new sexual experiences. If it doesn’t feel good, it needs to change.

Common Misconceptions About Threesomes

As with all social taboos, there are many common misconceptions about threesomes that are floating around out there. Let’s debunk the most prevalent: 

• Only guys like threesomes: People of all genders can enjoy threesomes! 1 out of every 10 women reports participating in a threesome, and nearly 9 out of every 10 women report fantasizing about sex with more than one partner. 
• Threesomes are dangerous: When done correctly, a threesome should never be dangerous. All partners should get tested prior to engaging in sex, and their statuses should all be shared. They should also discuss using contraceptives and barriers during sex. When handled correctly, you may find that a threesome is among the safest and most comfortable sexual experiences you’ve participated in.
• Threesomes ruin relationships: Threesomes should only be participated in with enthusiastic consent. On the contrary, many couples may find that the conversations they share leading up to a threesome strengthen their relationships. You may walk away from a threesome feeling like your relationship is stronger than ever before. 

Key Takeaways

Threesomes aren’t just about satisfying your pornographic fantasies. They are about having new experiences and learning new things about yourself, your sexuality, and even your partner. Engaging in a threesome requires openness, flexibility, curiosity, and a willingness to try new things. 

Your first threesome can feel daunting. But with proper planning and open and honest discussion, it can be an experience far beyond your wildest fantasies. 

There’s only one must in the world of threesomes: enthusiastic consent. The rest is up to you! Make a killer playlist, introduce toys for added pleasure, and invest in a good lube to increase your fun.  

References

1. "2023 Year in Review." Pornhub Insights, 2023, www.pornhub.com/insights/2023-year-in-review#top-searches-pornstars. Accessed 7 Oct. 2024.
2. Kaye, L., et al. "The Relationship between Sexual Orientation, Mental Health, and Well-Being among Adolescents." PLOS ONE, vol. 12, no. 11, 2017, e0181198. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0181198. Accessed 7 Oct. 2024.
3. "Study: The Effects of Dating Apps on Modern Relationships." DatingAdvice.com, 2021, www.datingadvice.com/studies/s1oahh. Accessed 7 Oct. 2024. 
4. "What to Know About Having a Threesome." WebMD, www.webmd.com/sex/what-to-know-about-having-a-threesome. Accessed 7 Oct. 2024.